Constant Catch-up with Quilla

Our Gossip Columnist Quilla Constance exclusively writes on the behind-the-scenes making of the  Vajazzled Video, Burberry & Freedom of Expression VERSUS Intellectual Property Law.

Photo by Andrew Crowe

"ALLLLLLWRIIIIIIIIIGGHT BABES!..." I mouth in my best Essex through puckered, protruding, pumped up lips plumping and positioning my implants in the mirror whilst preparing to brave the set of my next pop video. I'm wearing a skimpy white lycra leotard complete with security tag responsible for setting the alarm off in TK MAXX earlier. I mean, it almost made me late for the shoot... what with the security guards, kerfuffel and all. I check my crotch for the pink and green LED's then turn on the battery pack stitched into my crack.

A half naked, baby-oiled Andy Carrol stunt double (that's not a tongue-twister....or IS IT?) finishes stapling some fake Burberry print to the back of two circular discs cut out from a pizza box. These are my Burberry Mickey Mouse ears...clearly not endorsed by said tartan maestros, but we'll come to this little chestnut later.

My manager passes me the cardboard lugs plus a pair of jumbo-sized, light-proof, Burberry-style shades. I cackle when he calls them 'BUUURLINKA'S'.

Mr Smutte, (my manager) takes a nonchalant puff of his cigar and shouts out the tag-line "Buy Buuuurlinkas... see the world as we do!!!...AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"

Always a big fan of his own jokes, this was almost funny.

Next, I attach some Burberry flavoured voodoo malarkey to my legs, and glance over to the vast stage at Millennium studios - the Pinewood of rural Bedfordshire. Millennium are VERY upmarket, so how did little ole me get there? I got lucky at the BINGO, but then Lana Del Ray trumped, won the lottery and claimed centre stage - after which my calls weren't returned and I had to pack up my bag of TOWIE props and get the feck out of there.

Just so you know, the making of the video was a DIY affair - and not without the odd stressor, bungler and egomaniac to boot. I directed it all sweeties... designed and made the costumes from bits of cloth lying around the art studio, drew up some sparkly bling font graphics, found the locations, convened numerous 'pre-meets' to avoid any ****ups....the list was endless, believe me and despite all of this hired camerahand, cinematographer- Joe Cooke, managed to leave his tripod in Shoreditch or somewhere else [probably unmentionable]... and, thanks to Joe's misfiring multipolars, I had to hire in photographer, Andrew Crowe to tidy things up.

The Crowe flew in from North London with all of his film equipment [including a very sturdy tripod] to hand and saved the day.

Once we left Millenium, we shot the rest of the footage in a dingy, dilapidated dumpster park of an east london music studio. The resultant 12 hours of raw footage was co-edited and rendered into the 3 minute kaleidoscopic orgy of Burlinkadom you can now enjoy on YouTube thanks to video editor and tattooed rocker Conrad Weiskrantz. 

The video was co-produced with the help of musician Kinz and my manager, Mr Smutte. I wrote the lyrics and vocal melody for the VJAZZLED track, and Kinz composed the music. He's playing keys in the video alongside Shingo the drummer.

On a serious note my sweeties, just in case it's not's an extract from a recent interview I gave to fArt Monthly:

FM: "So QC, how would you explain the QC project to our readers?"
QC: "The satirical nature of the QC project means I get to work with any musician worth bothering with and depends on the musical style I'm going for. I take my ideas to people, they get excited by them, they tune into the satirical agenda and then they contribute something kick ass....
or get the sack.

M: "What is it that drives you on?"
QC: "At all levels, I find the entertainment industry to be very male dominated. QC is set to challenge this tradition. I'm a female performance artist operating at grass roots level to make work that co-exists in a fine art and pop music context.

I don't see myself merely as a pop singer. I see my work as a semblance of pop and I have the freedom to fully explore, exploit and subvert the genre on my own terms. I don't answer to the same set of concerns as someone signed to a blue chip music label for instance, or even those of many 'underground' muso wannabee-just-like-everyone-elses...... I'm unorthodox, this makes some people nervous for the usual reasons - they can't tag, sort, categorise or otherwise pin me down. They're not always sure where I'm coming from. Consequently, I have to work that much harder to deliver my vision because I'm working to carve out a specific niche from which to develop the hybrid nature of my work and its concerns."

 Anyway, thanks for the interview, that's enough of that....back to the video.....OK, so if you haven't already guessed, the song 'VJAZZLED' is a critique of the ubiquitous Essex lady-garden beautification trend, 'Vajazzling', although it also touches on breast implants, fake tan, bling, members clubs and designer brands. I intend for the project to operate within the formula and aesthetic of pop. This will enable the overt identity of Quilla Constance to come to fruition. By the same token, I do certain things to antagonise the consumption of this overt identity, because I'm not interested in commercial pop per se, I'm far more interested in asking questions about the problematics of the ubiquitous nature of mainstream mass culture and branding.

Whilst many underground musicians ignore the world around them and do something 'cool', I try to confront it and do something real. I'm not afraid of getting my hands dirty. This is why I think we should all be indebted to Die Antwoord for their video and track 'Fatty Boom Boom' a real Sapphire which sees them lampooning the pseudo art montage that is Gaga. 

This brings me to the branding issue... in my case, Burberry. A lawyer from EQUITY Performers union took one look at my dystopian voodoo Burberry get-up and referred me to an Intellectual Property lawyer from an organization called Own-it. They advised me that the tartan print is trademark protected and warned me that Burberry might sue. Hahahahahahahahah......Sue what? they'll be lucky, lucky lucky lucky.


Picture (Right) by Simon Richardson



OKaay mes Bouche chéries, keep your eyes peeled for my next single and video. It's called RINSE and it's out soon.

Photo by Andrew Crowe

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